I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
