i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
