I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
