Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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