There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize