I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
