I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
