Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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