bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry about my life...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
