my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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