My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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