I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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