I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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