I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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