Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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