I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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