Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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