Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
