we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
