you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
