She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
