When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
