At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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