New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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