today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
