i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
