I wish I could teleport
4 words: hood of his car
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
