ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
