Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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