I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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