My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
