I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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