my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
