you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
