If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The adults are the big ones right?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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