a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
