I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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