if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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