it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
