but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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