so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
