I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
