he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
