at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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