mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Swine flu is the new snow day.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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