There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
