Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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