somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
