Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
