im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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