stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
