I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
