I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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