My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
