Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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