The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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