A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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